Funny Stupid Banned Commercials [Part 5]
16 years ago
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A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
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A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.
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hello all
h r u ? ....... hope all is gd
i like this topic & i want from all 2 see it
its really nice
If your BIRTH DAY is ....
first, see when is ur birthday
next, see ur color
then, search about it 2 know what it mean
.
December 23rd ~ January 1st = Red
January 2nd ~ January 11th = Orange
January 12th ~ January 24th = Yellow
January 25th ~ February 3rd = Pink
February 4th ~ February 8th = Blue
February 9th ~ February 18th = Green
February 19th ~ February 28th = Brown
March 1st ~ March 10th = Aqua
March 11th ~ March 20th = Lime
March 21st = Black
March 22nd ~ March 31st = Purple
April 1st ~ April 10th = Navy
April 11th ~ April 20th = Silver
April 21st ~ April 30th = White
May 1st ~ May 14th = Blue
May 15th ~ May 24th = Gold
May 25th ~ June 3rd= Cream
June 4th ~ June 13th = Grey
June 14th ~ June 23rd = Maroon
June 24th = Grey
June 25th ~ July 4th = Red
July 5th ~ July 14th = Orange
July 15th ~ July 25th = Yellow
July 26th ~ August 4th = Pink
August 5th ~ August 13th = Blue
August 14th ~ August 23rd = Green
August 24th ~ September 2nd = Brown
September 3rd ~ September 12th = Aqua
September 13th ~ September 22nd = Lime
September 23rd = Olive
September 24th ~October 3rd = Purple
October 4th ~ October 13th = Navy
October 14th ~ October 23rd = Silver
October 24th ~November 11th = White
November 12th ~ November 21st = Gold
November 22nd ~ December 1st = Cream
December 2nd ~ December 11th = Grey
December 12th~ December 21st = Maroon
December 22nd = Teal
RED
Cute and lovable type, You are picky but always in love... and liked to be loved. Fresh and cheerful, but can be 'moody' at times. Capable with people nice, soft, and that can love you for the way you are. Likes people that are easy to talk to, and can make you feel. comfortable.
Orange
You are responsible for your own actions, and you know how to treat people.You always have goals to reach and you really work hard to get there, you are competitive. Your friends are really important to you and you appreciate what you have, you sometimes over react that's because you are sensitive. comfortable.
Yellow
You are sweet and innocent. Trusted by many people, and have a strong leadership towards relationships. You make good decision and make the right choice at the right time. And always dreaming of Romantic Relationship.
Blue
You may have low self-esteem, and can be very picky. You are artistic and like to fall in love, but you let your love p*** by, by loving with your mind, not your heart. relationship.
Pink
You are always trying your best in everything, and like to help and care for other people. But you are not easily satisfied. You have negative thoughts, and you look for romantic love like in a fairytale. relationship.
Green
You get along well with new people. You are not really a shy person, but sometimes you can hurt people's feelings by your words... You like to be loved and noticed by your lover, but mostly you are single, waiting for the right person.
Brown
You are active and sportive. It's hard for other people to become close with you, but you fall in love easily. But once you find out you can't get something, you give up and let go easily as well.
Aqua
Your feelings change suddenly and easily. You are always lonely, and like traveling. You are truthful, but listen and believe other people too easily. It's hard to find love for you, and get lost in love easily, Sometimes get hurt by love.
Lime
You are calm, but easily stressed out. You get jealous easily, and complain over little things. You can't get stuck into one thing, but you have a capable personality for everyone to trust you and like you.
Black
You are challenging, and have the 'guts'. But you don't like changes in your life. And once you make a decision, you keep it that way for a long time. Your love life is also challenging, and different.
Purple
You are Mysterious, never selfish and get interested in things easily. Your day can be Sad or Happy depending on your mood.You are popular between friends but you can act stupid at times,and forget things easliy.You go for a person that's trustworthy.
Navy
You are attractive, and love your life.You have a strong feeling towards everything. And very easily distracted.Once you get angry at someone, its hard for you to forgive them.
Olive
You are warm and light hearted.You seem to flow well with friends and family. You don't like Violence and know what's right.You are Kind and cheerful but don't evny other people.
Silver
You are imaginative and fun, You love trying new things.You like to challenge yourself and you learn things easily, you're easy to talk to and give good advice.When comes to friendship, you find it hard to trust someone, but once you find the right friend, you trust them forever.
Gold
You know what's right and what's wrong. You are cheerful and out going. It's hard for you to find the one you want, but once you find the right person, you won't be able to fall in love again for a long time.
Cream
Competitive and sportive. Don't like losing and always cheerful! You are trustworthy, and very out going. You choose love carefully, and don't fall in love easily. But once you find the right one, you don't let go or a long time.
Grey
ou are attractive, and active. You never hide your feelings, and express everything that's inside. But can be selfish at times. You want to be noticed, and don't like to be treated unequally. You can brighten up peoples day. You know what to say at the right time, and you have a good sense of humor.
all should say what is there color ok
gd luck 2 all
& hope u like it
h r u ? ....... hope all is gd
i like this topic & i want from all 2 see it
its really nice
If your BIRTH DAY is ....
first, see when is ur birthday
next, see ur color
then, search about it 2 know what it mean
.
December 23rd ~ January 1st = Red
January 2nd ~ January 11th = Orange
January 12th ~ January 24th = Yellow
January 25th ~ February 3rd = Pink
February 4th ~ February 8th = Blue
February 9th ~ February 18th = Green
February 19th ~ February 28th = Brown
March 1st ~ March 10th = Aqua
March 11th ~ March 20th = Lime
March 21st = Black
March 22nd ~ March 31st = Purple
April 1st ~ April 10th = Navy
April 11th ~ April 20th = Silver
April 21st ~ April 30th = White
May 1st ~ May 14th = Blue
May 15th ~ May 24th = Gold
May 25th ~ June 3rd= Cream
June 4th ~ June 13th = Grey
June 14th ~ June 23rd = Maroon
June 24th = Grey
June 25th ~ July 4th = Red
July 5th ~ July 14th = Orange
July 15th ~ July 25th = Yellow
July 26th ~ August 4th = Pink
August 5th ~ August 13th = Blue
August 14th ~ August 23rd = Green
August 24th ~ September 2nd = Brown
September 3rd ~ September 12th = Aqua
September 13th ~ September 22nd = Lime
September 23rd = Olive
September 24th ~October 3rd = Purple
October 4th ~ October 13th = Navy
October 14th ~ October 23rd = Silver
October 24th ~November 11th = White
November 12th ~ November 21st = Gold
November 22nd ~ December 1st = Cream
December 2nd ~ December 11th = Grey
December 12th~ December 21st = Maroon
December 22nd = Teal
RED
Cute and lovable type, You are picky but always in love... and liked to be loved. Fresh and cheerful, but can be 'moody' at times. Capable with people nice, soft, and that can love you for the way you are. Likes people that are easy to talk to, and can make you feel. comfortable.
Orange
You are responsible for your own actions, and you know how to treat people.You always have goals to reach and you really work hard to get there, you are competitive. Your friends are really important to you and you appreciate what you have, you sometimes over react that's because you are sensitive. comfortable.
Yellow
You are sweet and innocent. Trusted by many people, and have a strong leadership towards relationships. You make good decision and make the right choice at the right time. And always dreaming of Romantic Relationship.
Blue
You may have low self-esteem, and can be very picky. You are artistic and like to fall in love, but you let your love p*** by, by loving with your mind, not your heart. relationship.
Pink
You are always trying your best in everything, and like to help and care for other people. But you are not easily satisfied. You have negative thoughts, and you look for romantic love like in a fairytale. relationship.
Green
You get along well with new people. You are not really a shy person, but sometimes you can hurt people's feelings by your words... You like to be loved and noticed by your lover, but mostly you are single, waiting for the right person.
Brown
You are active and sportive. It's hard for other people to become close with you, but you fall in love easily. But once you find out you can't get something, you give up and let go easily as well.
Aqua
Your feelings change suddenly and easily. You are always lonely, and like traveling. You are truthful, but listen and believe other people too easily. It's hard to find love for you, and get lost in love easily, Sometimes get hurt by love.
Lime
You are calm, but easily stressed out. You get jealous easily, and complain over little things. You can't get stuck into one thing, but you have a capable personality for everyone to trust you and like you.
Black
You are challenging, and have the 'guts'. But you don't like changes in your life. And once you make a decision, you keep it that way for a long time. Your love life is also challenging, and different.
Purple
You are Mysterious, never selfish and get interested in things easily. Your day can be Sad or Happy depending on your mood.You are popular between friends but you can act stupid at times,and forget things easliy.You go for a person that's trustworthy.
Navy
You are attractive, and love your life.You have a strong feeling towards everything. And very easily distracted.Once you get angry at someone, its hard for you to forgive them.
Olive
You are warm and light hearted.You seem to flow well with friends and family. You don't like Violence and know what's right.You are Kind and cheerful but don't evny other people.
Silver
You are imaginative and fun, You love trying new things.You like to challenge yourself and you learn things easily, you're easy to talk to and give good advice.When comes to friendship, you find it hard to trust someone, but once you find the right friend, you trust them forever.
Gold
You know what's right and what's wrong. You are cheerful and out going. It's hard for you to find the one you want, but once you find the right person, you won't be able to fall in love again for a long time.
Cream
Competitive and sportive. Don't like losing and always cheerful! You are trustworthy, and very out going. You choose love carefully, and don't fall in love easily. But once you find the right one, you don't let go or a long time.
Grey
ou are attractive, and active. You never hide your feelings, and express everything that's inside. But can be selfish at times. You want to be noticed, and don't like to be treated unequally. You can brighten up peoples day. You know what to say at the right time, and you have a good sense of humor.
all should say what is there color ok
gd luck 2 all
& hope u like it
PLz comment on this post wid ya colur
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Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE
!It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime
Wife: No darling, it means
With Idiot For Ever
---
,Wife: I wish I was a newspaper
.so I'd be in your hands all day
,Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper
.so I could have a new one everyday
---
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and
.peace. Here are some sleeping pills
?Wife: When must I give them to him
Doctor: They are for you
---
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid
.you are
Husband: You should have known it the minute
.I asked you to marry me
---
.Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it
.so I bought 3 movie tickets
?Wife: Why Three
Husband: For you and your parents
---
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the
? great Mount Everest
!...Husband: A lovely Push
---
Q: What is the most effective way to remember
? your wife's birthday
A: Just forget it once and you will never
forget it again
---
,After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband
.You know, I was a fool when I married you
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in
"love and didn't notice
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George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."
Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.
Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve."
The little man says, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.
===========================
PUZZLING
George W. Bush is sitting in the White House kitchen putting together a puzzle and having a very difficult time of it. The first lady comes into the kitchen, and asks what he's doing.
Very frustrated, George says, "I'm trying to do this tiger puzzle, but I can't seem to make the pieces fit right."
Laura Bush sighs and says, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box, dear, and come to bed."
===============
Powerful Man
A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:
"Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."
"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!"
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You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam . If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back manage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
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1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Three guys are sitting in a bar when the first guy says, "My wife
is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car
and she doesn't have an automatic garage door!"
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone
antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone!"
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full
of rubbers and she doesn't even have a dick!"
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Dear Max,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform
you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.
However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions
of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction.
However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits.
Gratuity should be generous.
I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security
with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all
of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I
should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that
an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of
the 'VIP' I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and
transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than
a Jaguar is in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions
placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship,
please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have
sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps, Samantha!
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Dearest Samantha,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you
since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of
August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a
prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a
period of no less than three months and depending on
compatibility, would be made permanent.
Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous
relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading
up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for
coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between
us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger
share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be
taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this
letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without
further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister,
if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,
Max
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